Today is April 22, 2017.
Sorry I skipped yesterday. I really was feeling in the dumps. I didn’t even end up eating much. I had the rest of my soup from the day before and I also had 2 fish sticks. I just didn’t feel like eating much.
I had the almost the same breakfast as a couple days ago. A piece of bread, a tsp of margarine, a slice of cheese. I also had one probiotic yogurt. Nothing special.
Total calories is 270.
For lunch I had one cup of quinoa/rice mix, one cup of green/yellow beans and I had one fresh egg from a farm. I thought I’d try the eggs out. I fried it in 2 tsp of olive oil.
Total calories is 540.
For dinner we got surprised by my boyfriends mom to go to a&w and she would pay. I just got a blt chubby chicken burger cause it had a whole wheat bun and a small amount of veggies at least lol.
Total calories is 630.
Nothing to report.
Today I feel not happy but not like I was yesterday at least. I think getting over things takes some time. I just need to be gentle with myself I guess.
Today is April 20, 2017.
I don’t know how I feel today. I’ve been really lazy. I literally just finished 13 Reasons Why and I found it really good. As a person who struggles with depression, I like how it emphasizes the other people or circumstances that can cause someone to be depressed. They always focus on the person with depression but we never try and change the world so that people aren’t assholes or the fact that we should be acknowledging people’s emotions in general. The world tries to suppress their emotions but it makes people internalize it and makes people think that the world is against them and to say anything is seen as “weak.” Were forced to put on masks all the time and we shouldn’t. People need support and they need love. Think about someone you know and ask them if they are okay. Ask them if they need someone to listen. Ask them if they need support. You never know if this small act will save a life or if this small act will make someone feel love in a life where they feel isolated. We need more kindness, support and love in the world.
I had a really unhealthy breakfast today. Sometimes I just feel like eating dairy even though it causes me grief. (Pretty sure I’m lactose intolerant) I had two pieces of toast with 2 tsp of butter and 2 slices of cheese. I also had a probiotic yogurt.
Total calories is 450.
My lunch was a little bit healthier. I had 1 1/2 cups of salad with 1 tsp of olive oil and dulse flakes, 1 1/2 cups of frozen veggies and I also had cabbage roll soup. Here’s the link to the recipe: Cabbage Roll Soup.
Total calories is 554.
I ended up eating 4 pieces of pizza. I just gave up like usual.
Total calories? Who knows.
That show 13 Reasons Why really hit home. I finished watching it. Now I kind of just feel depressed cause I can relate to the main character on so many levels. Other than bullying or teenage life, her feelings are the same as mine. I think I understood her too much. I’ve kinda just spent all of the evening and even today (the next day) depressed. I’ve lost faith in people, lost trust, and I honestly just want to be alone.
Sorry if this blog is a day late. The previous paragraph will explain. I’ve been struggling with intense depression for awhile now. It’s something I’m trying to work through and do my best at. I’m sorry these blogs kind of took a down turn. You never know what life is going to throw at you and sometimes it’s really hard.
Today is April 19, 2017.
I’m feeling a bit better today.. so far. So I think I may be able to do some extra stuff today. I was thinking about going for a walk later. I think I just need time to heal from what happened still. It was a kind of traumatizing event for me to lose someone like that so suddenly then have to try and trust them again when they came back. I guess I’m too hard on myself.
Also for the note, I do write these blogs as I go on with my day so if things seem to change rapidly while you read this, that’s why.
My breakfast was simple again. I just scrambled 3 eggs with a little bit of seasoning salt and pepper. I also added some dulse flakes as well. I’m trying to stay away from too much oil cause I can tell it makes my insides very sluggish right now because I used to eat a lot of fatty foods. I also had a cup of blueberries, 1/2 cup of cherries and 1/2 of a banana with cinnamon on top.
Total calories is 413.
Today I tried something different but still using my leftovers. I had salad with dulse flakes. And I also made black bean burgers with 2 tbsp of ketchup and fried them in 1 tbsp of coconut oil. Here is recipe:
- 1 egg white
- 1 cup black beans
- 1/2 cup quinoa/rice mix
- Tbsp minced garlic
- 1/2 tbsp taco seasoning
- 1/2 tbsp chili powder
Then you just mix all together and fry in a small amount of oil.
Total calories is 570.
So I’m coming to the conclusion that I suck at this and that my dinner time is always going to suck haha. It’s just so hard to cook delicious junk for my boyfriend and then not eat it myself. I try and keep my portion down though. Anyways, I made homemade fried chicken in a Thai sweet chili sauce. And I made makeshift mac and cheese with elbow macaroni and cheese whiz. For the fried chicken I just used 2 cups bisquick with paprika, chili powder and garlic powder and I beat 3 eggs. I just dipped the chicken in the flour then the eggs then the flour again and after I just coated it all with Thai sweet chili sauce.
Total calories around 965.. I failed lol.
Well I started watching 13 Reasons Why so I just potatoed again haha. I really have to get myself motivated to at least go for a walk.
Today was a better day. Not totally better but better than yesterday. I’m still feeling some pain but I’m trying to receive love more and not just cut everyone off because I feel scared of people leaving me. I tend to do this when I get hurt. Just keep swimming.
Today is April 18, 2017.
I’ve been feeling lots of grief and heartbreak from me and my boyfriend breaking up for a week a week ago. Even though we got back together I still feel the emotions. I’ve been feeling unwanted and unloved still. It was so sudden and I felt like I had lost everything for that week. He has been wanting space and unfortunately for me, I have some codependency issues I need to work on. So of course for a person like me, space means unloved and unwanted. I know I need to start depending on myself but it’s hard when you’ve always depended on others. I know I need self love, but it’s hard when you’ve never loved yourself. These things torment me. Now I have to go to work with these feelings. But what can you do but keep going forward?
Today’s breakfast was nothing special. I had another one of those smoothies I had yesterday but only drank half I also had two end pieces of toast because I ran out of bread with 2 tbsp of peanut butter.
Total calories was 553
I drank a bit more of my smoothie cause I ran out of time before work. Apparently I only had orientation today so I got sent home early. Kind of sucks cause now I’m just sitting at home doing nothing. I had leftovers from yesterday. No pictures today because it was the same as yesterday. Not everyday can be exciting lol. Maybe my supper will be better though.
- 1/2 cup quinoa/rice mix
- 1/2 cup black beans
- 3/4 cup green beans
- Seasoned with garlic powder, taco seasoning and dulse
Total calories 444
Well I failed yet again. Dinner always seems to be the hardest time for me because it’s when I crave the junk food. Didn’t do that bad though because I refrained from eating too much though. I made a homemade bacon alfredo with fuselli pasta. I only had about a cup of it. It might balance out though cause I didn’t finish the rest of my smoothie. Here’s the recipe:
- 2 cups milk
- 1 1/2 cups marble cheese
- 3 tbsp flour
- 4 tbsp margarine
- Garlic powder and black pepper
- 6 strips bacon
- One box of smart fuselli pasta
Total calories is 652
Nothing to report here. I ended up not being at my job long like I had hoped.
Today wasn’t a good day for me. My depression got the best of me today. Sometimes this happens though as I am human. I hope tomorrow I can perk up a little bit and maybe actually start doing things. But I’m not here to report me being fake happy so this is my reality right now.